Showing posts from January, 2017

Dipping In

*Depersonalization- a sense of detachment from yourself, as though you are an outside observer of your own mental processes or body.
*Derealization- is the perception of unreality, with your entire surroundings appearing unreal, dream-like, or distant.
In previous posts I've talked about the "cloudiness" in my head. Depersonalization and derealization are what I'm actually referring to. In my opinion its easier to say (and for me to accept) that my mind is "cloudy"; because it takes someone who is really okay with expressing their vulnerability to share how they feel detached from their own mental processes or how some of what they're experiencing in their day to day appears unreal and distant.
For months though I didn't have a description for the cloudiness I was experiencing; and while it might be embarrassing in a mental health dark-side kind of way to admit it, not understanding it was way, way worse.
I first read about the terms a little over a m…

Releasing the Dam

The other day I sat down and created a mind map of my physical/mental state over the last half year. The more I read about anxiety and depression, the more I understand that while the medications I took over the summer ignited this deep, (and at times) life-suspending anxiety...there's more to it than that.

There's a whole lot more to it.

I can look back at that day I got stung and regret my going to the doctor when the skin on my face inflated so much that it basically enveloped my eye. I can look back and wish I had made some other decision than to go down to the river that day. I can even look back and reprimand myself for not listening to my instincts when I began to think that our seeking out the isolated area of the river was a bad idea. The "regrets" and "take backs" that persist for my actions around that time are plenty; but focusing on all or even any of them does absolutely nothing to help me move forward. Or so I've learned.

I hate to admit …


I've read an awful lot about being present over these last few months. It's suggested for those with anxiety and depression, and really it should be suggested for anyone who cares about living life. It's something that has been really hard for me to accomplish because for those first few months post bee sting I kept wishing for my days to pass. I was physically a mess and mentally, I wasn't any better. I'm not wishing my days away anymore and I am able to give more attention to the concept.

To be present.

What does that even mean?

On average we spend 40% of our day immersed in thoughts that have absolutely nothing to do with the moment we are actually in. We plan dinner. We plan for the weekend. We plan vacations. We make to-do lists of all the "stuff" we have to do. We daydream.

And our thoughts are not all future related.

We remember the past. We reminisce with favorite memories. We also, unfortunately, think about the stupid shit we've said and do…

Exposing Myself to Exposure Therapy

I've been sitting on the fact that over these last months I've built up a pretty intense fear to go for long drives...desolate drives, as well as plane rides. Even though I've regularly been working through my anxiety, this is one aspect that is kind of hard to work out logistically...committing to a day spent driving or having the funds to fly somewhere for really no other reason is kind of hard to make happen. I've been hesitant to set up any real trips in fear that I'd have to back out or that I'd end up being incredibly uncomfortable. Neither of these outcomes are appealing.

I absolutely hate feeling like I can't do something. I especially dislike my recent feelings of being trapped and isolated when people mention activities that in some way requires travel.

While my dad was here this last summer we all decided to head up to Payson to check out Arizona's Natural Bridge National Park. Tyler and I visited before and really liked it. It's an absol…

Looking Forward, Strengthening Habits, Being Present

Perhaps it's the new number at the end.

Maybe it was the morning soak in the hot tub.

Maybe, just maybe, it was Pitbull's New Year's Eve Revolution in Miami welcoming in the new year with some much loved nostalgia.

Whatever the influence, I'm ready to get down to setting my 2017 goals. I'm pretty big on goal setting. I've made this part of my transition from year to year for quite a while now. My husband reminded me last night that this was how our Cycle the Coast trip began. It's how I began the switch from teaching to taking classes myself and ultimately deciding to change careers. It's me basically envisioning and designing how I want my life to be.

This year I'm going to play around with a graphic so that I can better visualize the different areas of me, I would like to focus on. The link is to the article, but it's also explained in this video.

I've been pretty influenced lately by the aspects of my life that appear to be out of my con…